WTF
by Michael The-Zorch Haney
Summary: A drunken Jiraiya gives Naruto an ancient book of special techniques, and the consequences of this will reach far and wide. Are the women of the world ready for what he has just unleashed. Naruto divergence, harem fan fic. Rated for adult themes.


_Legal Disclaimer: All the Anime/Manga and non-Anime/Manga characters appearing in this work of fan fiction are owned by their respective copyright and trademark holders. All Rights Reserved._

_Written for fan appreciation only without profit._

_Protected under the Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 2.5 License_

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**WARNING:**

THE FOLLOWING STORY MAY CONTAIN CONTENT THAT IS OFFENSIVE TO SOME PEOPLE, HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES, AND SMALL FURRY ANIMALS. NOT INTENDED FOR CHILDREN, ADULTS OR EXTRATERRESTIALS. IN FACT YOU SHOULD REALLY MAYBE HIT THE BACK BUTTON NOW BEFORE YOUR RETINAS ARE MELTED AND YOUR BRAINS TURNED TO GOO.

**oOOOo**

Michael "TheZorch" Haney's

"**WTF**"

**oOOOo**

**Chapter 1 – The Book**

Jiraiya looked over his shoulder at the young blond, his latest disciple, and grew a little worried. The normally loud and obnoxious young genin was uncharacteristically quiet today. He wondered if the recent events in his life were starting to weigh down on the boy. Within only a short three month time period the young ninja had lived through a lot of difficult life-changing events. There had been the vicious attack by the Sound and Sand at the Chuunin Exam, the harrowing encounter with Uchiha Itachi, and the epic battle against Orochimaru and his assistance Kabuto. Seeing Kabuto with Orochimaru had been a rather serious blow to the young ninja. Jiraiya wouldn't learn of Naruto's past history with the glasses wearing medic-nin until after that epic fight. There was the mission to the Rice Field Country, the failed mission to bring back Sasuke, and the encounter with one of Orochimaru's old pet projects in the Water Country. On top of that, the kid knew about the Kyuubi he carried within his navel and that Akatsuki wanted it. Why they wanted it the kid thankfully was unaware of, but Jiraiya suspected the truth which prompted this training trip. He had to get Naruto out of Konohagakure and stay at least one or two steps ahead of anyone looking for him.

The Hidden Village of the Leaf would be in good hands with Tsunade running the show. She was the kind of woman who didn't tolerate bullshit, and one of the first things she did after accepting the office of Hokage was trim the fat. The only two members of the elder counsel who ruled Konohagakure during the short time they had no Hokage were squirming the last time Jiraiya saw them. Upon her accepting the position of Hokage the two elders had expressed their "opinion" concerning her relationship with Naruto. They had basically told her it would be best if she distanced herself from the Jinchuriki or she might not be able to retain the respect of the village. It was then that Jiraiya decided to get the kid out Konoha real fast. Knowing Tsunade things were about to turn really ugly really fast and he knew she wouldn't want Naruto around to see it. It was best to get him out of the village for a while until things quieted down to a low roar.

On top of that he had to train the boy. He had Naruto for three years, three long years of grueling training to prepare the kids for what lay ahead of him. The young Uchiha survivor had left Konohagakure for Orochimaru's side, not out of any animosity towards Konoha, but out of a desire for the power to take revenge against his brother whom killed his entire clan. Unfortunately, Sasuke was apparently unaware of the real reason why Orochimaru wanted him. Jiraiya and Tsunade knew the truth. Fortunately Orochimaru shifted bodies before Sasuke could arrive, so they had a three year window of opportunity to work with. The other reason was Akatsuki, the secret underground society made up of the most notorious S-rank missing nin in the Bingo Book were after the biju

A loud boom sounded in the air over Konohagakure followed by another. Jiraiya turned to look back at the village. Fireworks. He'd been away from the village for so long that he's forgotten what day it was. No wonder Naruto looked so down.

Today was Hero's Day, the day the village celebrated the sacrifice the Fourth Hokage made to save them all. It was also Naruto's birthday. The silver haired Sannin wondered if the boy had ever had a birthday cake in his entire life. The whole thing saddened him, the very people the young ninja had sworn he would protect were also the same people whom had hurt him so much.

"Hey brat, why the long face?" Jiraiya asked with a smile hoping to liven up the kid. An angry Naruto was far better than a quiet, sulking Naruto.

"Ne, ero-sensei, did you know my parents?" Naruto asked in a rather uncharacteristically subdued tone. He didn't even look up from the ground as he walked but only just looked down at his feet. He must had overheard those two old crones back at the Hokage Tower, Jiraiya wondered. Damn them.

The sannin knew this question would come up sooner or later during their travels. "Hai," he replied. Naruto looked up at him with an expression which was hard to read. He didn't say anything for a long while so Jiraiya waited.

Three, two, one...

"Who were they?! Did they love me?! What were they like?! Why did they let the Fourth put this thing inside of me?! Where are they now?!" the questions came at rapid fire speed. The old Naruto was back, the boy had a gleeful smile on his face which warmed the old sannin's heart. He never did approve of Sarutobi's whole idea of keeping all of this stuff secret from the boy. What purpose did it serve keeping Naruto in the dark about his parents? All it did was compound the hurt the boy had already experienced growing up without them. The sannin knew those two crones on the elder counsel and a few of the major clans had a say in the matter also. They've had their way for way too long, Jiraiya decided.

"Why did they leave me?" was Naruto's last question before he looked down again and became very quiet and subdued again.

Jiraiya put his hand on the boy's shoulder and said, "You know, I think I need a drink. Come on, there's a clearing up ahead we can sit down and talk there." Jiraiya made his decision, to hell with the law, he was going to tell the kid everything and allow him to make his own mind up. He couldn't be completely mad at Sarutobi over all of this, the fact that the kid was even alive today was because of the Third, but there was so much more his old sensei could have done for the child. Why did he allow this to go on for so long?

A short time later they were in the clearing Jiraiya had spoken off. They'd gone back into the trees and found a secluded spot which wasn't visible from the road. They were still a little too close to Konoha for comfort though. He doubted that Itachi would make an appearance in the village so soon after his encounter with Kakashi and the others since the ANBU were still on high alert, but it was better to be safe than sorry. Besides, this was one of his favorite spots for "research". Just behind the bushes was a small lake and waterfall where heavenly beauties from the village would come to frolic and play.

"Ne ne, ero-sensei, you said you knew my parents," Naruto said interrupting his "research". Focus, Jiraiya, focus, this is important the sannin told himself while swallowing a glass of sake with one gulp.

Folding his arms the silver haired sannin said, "Well, for starters your parents names were Namikaze Minato-sama and Uzumaki Kushina-chan." Not seeing any response from the blond to indicate the kid recognized any of the names he decided to continue but was cut off by another question.

"They weren't married?"

Jiraiya shook his head. "No," he said. "They were planning on getting married but there were ... complications. You see the Uzumaki clan aren't native to Konohagakure at all. They're from Iwagakure. You're parents met during the Great Secret Ninja War. At that time Konohagakure and Iwagakure were and still are enemies. Kushina-chan defected to Konoha, though she was accepted into the village she was never really ever trusted by anyone but your father."

"So that's why they never got married, cause she was from the village of the enemy?" Naruto asked him. The very thought didn't sit well with Naruto, even his mother was seen as an outcast in the village.

"I'm rather surprised you didn't recognized your father's name," said Jiraiya. "They teach you about him in the academy, and around this time of year you hear a lot about him." Naruto seemed to think for a good long while. With a start the young blond look up at his sensei with a shocked expression.

"N...No way!" Naruto cried out.

Jiraiya laughed, "Yes way, you're father Naruto was Namikaze Minato-sama. He was known as the infamous Konoha Yellow Flash, a ninja so feared that whole armies were under orders to retreat from the battlefield at the very sight of him. But, to the people of Konohagakure no Sato he was the revered Yondaime Hokage, the hero who ended the war."

Jiraiya took on a more serious tone as he continued. "You're father loved your mother very much and he wanted desperately to marry her, but he feared doing so would cause a rift in the village during a time when its unity was vitally important. So, Minato-sama and Kushina-chan kept their affair a secret except to a few select ninja."

"Who?" Naruto asked.

Jiraiya pointed to himself. "Well, there's me for one," he said. "Sarutobi-san, Kakashi Hatake-san, and Hyuga Hiashi-san. Tsunade-chan learned the secret from me years later when we met in a bar, we were ... drunk. I suspect that also Uchiha Fugaku and Danzo, the head of ANBU, also knew. Those old crones Homura-san and Koharu-san found out after the Kyuubi attack which is the reasons why they pressured Sarutobi into keeping your parentage a secret."

"But why?!" Naruto shouted jumping to his feet, furious and agonizingly sad at the same time. "Why?! Why?! Nobody would ever tell me who they were, if they loved me, why they left me, nobody would tell me!" Jiraiya reached out and pushed the boy down into a sitting position and patted his shoulders to try and calm him down. By this point tears were streaming down Naruto's face, and the dark whisker marks on his cheeks were starting to widen some.

"It was to cover their asses basically," Jiraiya told him. "Let me explain, you see you're mother was a shinobi like your father, and she was a damn good one too. Though you resemble your father in many ways you're actually a lot like Kushina-chan in personality." This calmed the boy down some and look at him with some surprise.

"I'm like my mom?" he asked the gama sannin.

Jiraiya gave the boy a nostalgic smile. "Most definitely," he said. "Kushina-chan was a real tom boy and loud, a lot like you, and she was pretty talented as a ninja so you take after her in that respect. But, she was also very sick. Kushina-chan had a rare disorder called Fading Chakra Syndrome, its an incurable disease that causes the victim to slowly over time stop regaining chakra. Despite this the medic-nin told her she'd be able to live a long full life at the current rate she was loosing chakra, but at a certain age she'd have to give up being a ninja completely because even doing one technique might be enough to kill her. When she became pregnant the medic-nin warned her that if she tried to carry the child to full term it could kill her, or drastically shorten her lifespan if she somehow did survive the delivery, but she loved you Naruto-kun. Kushina-chan loved you with every fiber of her being and she knew Minato-sama wanted a son more than anything so she took the risk and carried you full term."

"Kushina-chan was nine months pregnant with you when the war ended," Jiraiya continued to explain when he saw in Naruto's eyes that he wanted him to go on. "Minato-sama wanted to formally announce his engagement with her and have a big public wedding, but it was never meant to be."

"The nine tails," Naruto said quietly and put a hand on his stomach.

Jiraiya nodded gravely. "Nobody knows why it attacked or what pissed the damn thing off," he said. "A lot of good ninja died that night, some of them were my closest friends from back in the days of the academy. While we were all off fighting and dying your mother was struggling to bring you into this world. She'd been bed ridden since her eighth month and the medic-nin feared that she'd expended to much chakra to survive labor, but she refused to let them take you out through surgery. With the last of her strength, the last of her life, she gave birth to you. When you let out your first cry the Kyuubi smashed through the defensive wall of the village. I was with your father when the news of your birth and Kushina-chan's death reached him. I think that was when he made the decision."

"But, why did my father use me?" Naruto asked.

"Shiki Fujin is the most powerful of the fuuin jutsus, a secret and forbidden technique that only your father and the Third were ever able to perform," said Jiraiya. "The price for using the technique is your life, yet as powerful as this technique was it wasn't enough to seal the Kyuubi away. Only the pure, innocent and untainted soul of a newborn child could subdue the power of the nine tails. The mightiest of the bijou. You were the only baby newly born that night. This is why he decided to use you as the container for the creature, Naruto-kun. It was your father's dying wish that you be seen as a hero by the village, but it appears that wish wasn't fulfilled."

Naruto looked down at his hands and said, "That don't explain why they wouldn't tell me who my parents were?" A few stray tears leaked from his eyes. For years he had wanted to know who they were, wanted to know why he was alone why he had to suffer so much.

"An emergency secret meeting of the counsel was held at the Hokage tower the night after the battle," Jiraiya explained to him. "I was in attendance. After the Third was asked to take up the role of Hokage again Homura-san, Koharu-san, Hyuga Hiashi-san, and several major clan heads demanded that you be killed to protect the village. Naturally Sarutobi-san was shocked by this and told them of the Yondaime's dying wish, and he revealed your true identity. They knew that Kushina-chan had been ill, but they didn't know about the pregnancy. They were all shocked to say the least. I knew then that they'd never be able to touch you, so it was decided that you'd be allowed to live but the secret of your parentage must never be revealed until you became an adult. If it was every found out that you were the son of the Yondaime and that they had wanted to kill you there would have been an uprising in Konoha. You're father was loved by everyone long before the Kyuubi attack, but after his attack he was worshiped as a great hero. They knew you were the Jinchuriki, but they didn't know you were the Yondaime's son. Had they known the truth Konoha would have imploded, because killing you after he had made such a great sacrifice would have been viewed as an unforgivable gesture of disrespect towards your father and what he did."

"Whoa," the blond breath, his eyes wide. He knew none of this at all.

"So, Sarutobi-san made it a law that nobody was to speak of you being the Jinchuriki, and the counsel secretly agreed to keep your parentage a secret and to also keep their relationship a secret as well." he explained further. "The people knew of the counsel's wish for you to be killed but the Third decided to show mercy and let you live. That was the 'official' story. Thus, you grew up facing prejudice and ridicule when you shouldn't have. The children never knew any of this but their parent's hatred of you, so often times their feelings wore off on their children, and you know the rest."

"So, I suffered because a bunch of old farts and assholes were paranoid!" Naruto snarled, red chakra becoming visible as an aura around the boy. He was filled with conflicting emotions, hate, sadness, fear, rage, they all swelled over one another like great waves in a angry ocean. Flashbacks of his early childhood came back to him, his time in orphanage, being treated badly there while the other kids were shown kindness, then being thrown on the street at the age of ten. The Sandaime had put him up in his mother's old house after that and made sure he had money for food and clothing but few shops would let him enter to make purchases. The hateful stares, the things people said about him in hushed tones thinking he didn't hear them, the instructors at the academy who did their best to hold back his training. The only light of hope had been when he entered Iruka-sensei's class, but all else was darkness.

"I'm breaking some pretty serious laws tell you all this so calm down," Jiraiya said thinking of some way to calm the kid. They were several hours out from Konoha but he was certain that every ANBU for miles probably detected the chakra outburst the kid was leaking right now. He didn't fear the ANBU at all, in fact he'd probably be able to explain the outburst of chakra was a part of a training exercise, but Naruto's mouth was unpredictable so it was best to not take the chance of meeting up with them. The gama sannin quickly went through several hand seals before biting his thumb.

"Kuchiyose no Jutsu!" he cried as his hand hit the ground, a spider web pattern of symbols spread over the ground. A great toad appeared under them shocking Naruto out of his enraged state. Jiraiya grabbed his arm, focusing chakra into his feet so he would stay attached to the toad.

"Get us out of here, FAST!" he ordered, the great toad croaked once in acknowledgment and too a flying leap into the air. The creature didn't stop for nearly an hour. Naruto tried to protest but with every leap of the huge toad his bottom hit hard knocking the air out of him. By the time the toad stopped and dispelled into a puff of smoke the two Leaf ninja were the equivalent of six days travel on foot from the village.

"Ne ne, what the hell was that for ero-sensei?!" Naruto yelled at the old sannin and rubbed his very short rump.

"That little Kyuubi chakra outburst of you're was attracting every ANBU in the area," Jiraiya replied, his arms were folded across his chest and on his face was a very grave expression.

Naruto crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes at him. "So?"

"What if they found out I told you everything?" the gama sannin asked. "Naruto-kun, even today if the news I told you were ever revealed it would cause a ripple through the village. One day the secret will become known, and I know on that day there will be quite a reaction, and there'll be a lot of questions asked. Quite a few major clan heads who were in the counsel that day will have a great deal of damage control on their hands, and then there'll be the backlash."

Naruto blinked. "Backlash?"

Jiraiya put his hands on the boy's shoulder and said, "Imagine, they've all been treating you like dirt for years, then suddenly its discovered you are the son of the most loved of all the Hokage in the history of the village. What do you think their reaction is going to be?"

Naruto shrugged his shoulders. "I dunno."

"There will be those who will have a sudden change of heart and feel incredibly guilty for how they'd treated you," Jiraiya explained. "There will be those who's minds won't change, but that is where things will get dodgy. The village will become split, and there will be conflict. It won't cause a civil war in the village like it would have long ago when the Kyuubi attack was still fresh in people's minds, but it will create a rift in the village which might take decades to heal. I'm fairly certain that many highly respected clans in the village will find themselves in a difficult position, and its likely the respect they've enjoyed for years will wain considerably."

Naruto began to respond but didn't know how to actually word what he wanted to say. Finally he spoke up. "Ano ... ero-sensei, so why did you tell me all this if its so dangerous for it to get out?" He didn't want to cause any trouble for the village. Despite all that had been done to him he loved the village of Konohagakure and would gladly give his life to protect it.

Jiraiya smiled and ruffled the boy's hair a bit when he replied, "Because I think you deserve to know the full truth." He immediately looked around as if sensing something and then leaned down to whisper into the young ninja's ear.

"You will keep this quiet," he told the boy. "If Tsunade-chan finds out I told you ... she'll hurt me." The old man grinned sheepishly and steeple his fingers.

Naruto looked at him with an evil, fanged grin. Blackmail material! "Yeah, I'll stay quiet ero-sensei, sssuuurrrreeee." Jiraiya giant sweat dropped as the horror of what he'd just unleashed dawned on him. The sinister grin on the boy's face was so much like Minato-chan's it was almost frightening.

Oh shit he thought to himself.

"What if I promised to teach you some really cool and powerful new techniques?" Jiraiya asked. He flinched when the boy started jumping around cheering excitedly.

"YATTA!! New techniques! YEAH!" He's rather easy to please, though Jiraiya.

The boy was dancing around so excitedly that he bumped into the toad sannin. Jiraiya blurted out a protest as he stepped back and barely noticed as something fell out of the front of his shirt. Naruto noticed it instantly and watched as the object fell to the ground. It was a book, a very old looking leather bound book. It fell front side down so he couldn't see what the title was. Before he could pick it up Jiraiya snatched and stuffed it back into the front of his tunic.

"What was that?" Naruto asked with narrowed eyes.

Jiraiya shrugged his shoulders and said, "Oh, nothing special, just a book."

"It looked important, and really really old." said Naruto.

"Oh it is very old, it dates back to before The Great Burn," said Jiraiya with a huge grin and a nod. Naruto's eyes went wide for a second. He'd heard about The Great Burn in the academy, it was a really long time ago.

Naruto narrowed his eyes more. "Its not one of your stupid eechi books is it?" It was bad enough Kakashi-sensei was always reading those Icha Icha Paradise, but to actually be training with the people who wrote the damn books was another thing entirely. It was like Naruto was totally against perverted stuff, in truth he liked "girl watching" but there was a limit. Problem was, Jiraiya didn't seem to understand nor acknowledge their existence.

Jiraiya folded his arms with a humph and said, "I'll have you know this a book of super powerful, super secret, super ultimate forbidden ninja techniques! They are not for a little brat like you!"

When the bonfires of curiosity flared up in Naruto's eyes the old sannin knew he was doomed. "DOH!"

"Let me see! Let me see!" Naruto cried and tried to get the book from the silver haired sannin.

"NO!" Jiraiya shrieked, his eyes as wide as dinner plates and his hair stood up even more on end than it did before. "If Tsunade-chan found out I let you see this book she'd really hurt me then." Expecting further protest he didn't expect Naruto to turn around and start walking away in the other direction. That is, until he realized what direction the boy was headed in which immediately had the sannin panic.

"Where are you going?" he asked standing in Naruto's way. The boy just walked around him.

"I suddenly have this irresistible urge to go have a long chat with baachan," he deadpanned. "To get 'everything' off my chest." Now, those who think they really knew Naruto wouldn't ever suspected that he a mean streak in him, and right now that streak was about a mile wide.

Jiraiya eeped! "What if I promised to teach you a technique even better than the Rasengan?" he tried to bribe the boy.

Naruto thought for a moment. "Hmmm, but its not a super powerful, super secret, super ultimate forbidden ninja technique." and continued down the road which eventually lead to Konohagakure.

The old sannin was in front of him again on his knees with tears streaming down his face. "Oh, come one Naruto-kun," he sobbed. "Cut me some slack! I promise to teach you a whole bunch of cool techniques, just please don't tell Tsunade-chan that I told you the big secret and please don't ask about this book! Pretty please with ramen on top!"

**oOOOo**

Hours later the two Leaf nin stopped by the side of the road for a rest. It was starting to get dark and the next town was some distance away so they'd have to sleep outside. That wasn't a problem for them since both were very accustomed to sleeping outside, and both had survival training in the academy. After Naruto gathered a pile of dry twigs and branches from the nearby forest Jiraiya used a Katon jutsu to get the fire started. The young ninja then put a makeshift tripod over the fire and suspended a kettle over the fire with a rope. All they had with them was instant ramen and yakisoba in cups, you just needed to add hot water.

As they ate Naruto's thoughts drifted back to that strange looking book.

"Ne ne, ero-sensei, about that book," he began.

Jiraiya leveled a glare at the boy. "I thought we agreed not to mention the book."

"You said it was from before The Great Burn," Naruto went on ignoring what the sannin just said. "I remember Iruka-sensei talking about it in class, but I don't remember exactly what it was."

Sighing in relief the old sannin smiled and said, "The Great Burn happened close to fifty thousand years ago. It changed everything, whole cities were destroyed, billions of people died, and humanity nearly went extinct. The time before The Great Burn was said to be a time of wonders with great cities that towered high into the sky, machines that could actually fly in the air, and there were even some old tomes I found that said they even walked on the moon."

Naruto looked up at the full moon and blink-blinked. "You're pullin' my leg." How could people get to the moon when it was so far away?

"Nope, " Jiraiya shook his head. "The elemental nations didn't exist at that time either. There were only five great empires that ruled the world in that era. They were Emerika, the Eeyou, Cheena, Jipon, and Roosha. For a long time Emerika was a great political and economic power but that began to change as Cheena grew stronger, and some of the old tomes I've read said something about Emerika's economy collapsing because they were trying expand their empire but their economy couldn't handle it.."

Naruto had been intently listening, they never taught any of this in the academy. "So did they have powerful ninja?" he asked.

"There were no ninja in that time like there are today," Jiraiya explained with a shake of his head. "Well, I take that back, there were a few clans but they didn't have the power and influence they have in our time."

"Huh?! Then how did they protect their boarders and stuff without ninja or hidden villages?" Naruto was starting to wonder if this was another of the old pervert's fairy tales again.

"Oh, they had armies, just none were ninja," Jiraiya explained. "Its said they had weapons like we've never seen before. They had something called a goon, and they supposedly more deadly than kunai and shuriken. They made a sound like firecrackers and could hit people at a monstrous range. But, the worst weapons of all were called nooks."

"Nooks?" Jiraiya nodded and smirked at the confounded look on the young man's face.

"They are what caused The Great Burn," he explained. "The five great empires went to war and they used their nooks against each other and burned the entire world with them. For ten thousand years humanity barely held on until Mother Nature recovered and soon we started rebuilding civilization and the great elemental nations were founded. Its been a total of fifty thousand years since it happened, and if you know where to look you can still find remnants of the old empires, but most of their ruins are long gone."

"So, how did that book survive all this time?" Naruto asked his curiosity about the book still burning. He thought for a moment, if the ninja in those days weren't like the ninja of today then why was that book so special? Now he just had to see what was in that thing. Maybe it was a book of long forgotten techniques which the ninja of that day developed that might be better than the techniques known today.

"My only guess is it was kept by survivors and was passed down throughout the ages and kept safe." said Jiraiya. "I don't even think this is the original book actually but a copy made from the original which probably degraded and crumbled into dust long ago. Its most likely a copy of a copy of a copy had was made to keep the knowledge alive. I've heard rumors of a secret society called The Archivers who collected books around the time of The Great Burn and kept them safe for future generations and transcribed books which were starting to degrade onto new paper. This might be one of the books they've preserved."

Seeing curiosity once again smoldering in the boy's eyes Jiraiya thought fast to change the subject. He quickly performed the Kuchiyose jutsu again and slapped his hand hard against the ground. I giant plum of smoke rose up from the ground and soon parted to reveal Gamabunta in all of his warty glory.

The great boss toad took a drag on his pipe and said, "Jiraiya, you've got really sorry timing you know that."

"I called you here Gamabunta because you said you wouldn't fully accept Naruto as your subordinate unless he had a drink with you," said Jiraiya. "Well, I don't think him having a little drink would hurt. Just a sip maybe."

Naruto piped in with a protest. "I'm still a kid, I'm not allowed to drink. Dattebayo!"

Jiraiya grinned at him. "Well, I wasn't allowed to tell you the secret of your parentage so what the hell," he said as the great toad produced a giant sake bottle from his coat.

"Well, maybe just a little," said Naruto. The great toad chuckled, and lowered a smaller sake bottle down fear the campfire. The battle, as in the smaller one, was still pretty big but easily managed by Jiraiya. He filled his cup and put some in another which he handed Naruto.

"Drink up gaki, this is special gama sake," Gamabunta said and thumped his chest with a web fingered fist. "Puts hair on your chest!"

Naruto looked at the clear liquid for a moment and gave it a sniff. He immediately pulled back and waved his hand to get rid of the smell. The great toad and Jiraiya watched as the boy comically pinched his nose and knocked back the cup swallowing the whole thing in one gulp.

"GAK!!" Naruto gagged and grabbed his throat as he coughed.

Jiraiya and Gamabunta both exploded with laughter. They both swigged down another glass of the gama sake as Naruto continued to gasp and convulse. Eventually the gama sannin handed the boy a water skin which the kid chugged down like he's been in the desert for weeks. Gamabunta laughed again, his voice booming through the forest.

"Powerful shit ain't it gaki?" the great toad boss laughed.

"My gods, I thought I was going to die!" Naruto gasped after finishing off the water skin. The other two renewed their laughing. The great toad pounded a webbed foot against the ground in his mirth making the two ninja bounce up and bound a couple of times.

"Now, we've shared a drink together gaki," said Gamabunta in a suddenly very serious tone. "I will now accept you as my subordinate." When Naruto didn't say anything the toad's eye wanted towards the boy and Jiraiya squinted to look at him. The blond wobbled a little where he sat and his face was a little red.

"I'm shuddenly feeling weeling good," the boy hiccuped.

The great toad smiled. "Powerful stuff that gama sake," he said with pride. It was pretty obvious to the two that the young blond was three sheets to the wind. And, on one cup of sake no less. Well, it wasn't to surprising considering the stuff was the strongest drink in the known shinobi world. And, it was one hell of a paint stripper.

"Eh, drunsh already brat," Jiraiya slurred. "You ... you ... you taksh one drinsh and you ish already plashtered, sheesh." He downed another cup, his third, and hiccuped.

"Ne ne, you shaid you'd teash me shome new techniqueshes, ero shenshei," Naruto said trying to stand up and walk over to the drunk sannin but as soon as he stood up and fell over. Jiraiya laughed and the great toad chuckled.

Now, few people who really knew the legendary sannin Jiraiya would say he had good judgment while sober, but when he was drunk forget it. Naruto sat up and badgered the old man again and again to learn some new techniques until he couldn't take it anymore. To shut the annoying kids up he reached into his tunic, pulled out The Book and threw it at the kid.

"There!" Jiraiya slurred in drunken anger. "Fur all the good it'll do yas. I shtudied that thing for yearsh and never wash able to learn any of them. Sho knocksh youreshelf out brat."

Naruto picked up the book reverently and looked up at the old sannin in surprise. "Really?"

"Letsh drink and shakes on it," the old man said. He pour himself another full cup and tried to put just a little into Naruto but his hands were shaking a little too much. With cups in hand the two drank, and after Naruto finished hacking and convulsing again they shook hands.

"I'll mashter theshe techniquesh and be the gweatesht ninja ... in ... the ..." with that Naruto flopped over and promptly fell asleep. Gamabunta laughed loudly until he noticed Jiraiya reaching over to take the book back.

"Jiraiya," he said. "Is that book the one I think it is?"

"Yeah," the old sannin replied looking up at the frog with blurry eyes.

"You do know that what you just did was a gama giri," Gamabunta told him, the sannin's face turned very pale. "You agreed to let the boy study the book, you drank gama sake and shook on it. That's a gama giri, a sacred oath among my kind and is never to be taken likely. Breaking a gama giri is a worst crime than murder."

The silver haired sannin let the book go and sat up. "Oh shit," he said, the wave of terror that washed through him sobered him up a little.

"Tshunade-chan's gonna moorder me," Jiraiya slurred helplessly before passing out. The great toad boss laughed louder before he dispelled in a giant cloud of smoke. The next morning Jiraiya found Naruto up on top of a tree looking over "the book". The old sannin sweat dropped but then remembered that he'd had that book for over ten years and was never able to master any of the techniques. So, Naruto didn't have a ghost of a chance, right? Knowing the kids linage and his penchant for surprising people he didn't feel all that confident.

"'1001 Techniques to Get Into a Girl's Pants and Make Her Your Slave', hmmm," Naruto read the cover of the book and sighed. It figured that a book of powerful techniques from his perverted sensei would itself be a perverted book. But, he remembered what Jiraiya had said about the book the night before and decided to pass judgment later. He needed to get stronger, he had a promise to fulfill to Sakura to bring Sasuke back and nothing was going to stop him not even a dirty book.

He opened the book to the first page and began to read. "To all of those reading this book, prepare yourself to train harder than you've ever trained before," he read out loud. "When you are done reading this book and mastering the one thousand and one techniques inside you will be the most powerful man who ever lived. None shall be able to surpass you and you will be loved and recognized by all. Prepare yourself to become a God among Men. It won't be an easy road, you will wish for death before the end, but the payoff will be beyond you're wildest dreams. Go forth now brave warrior for you now walk a path of greatness and may the heavens have mercy on any who get in your way."

"Maybe there's something to this thing after all," Naruto said before taking a drink of special tea he'd made that morning to get rid of the sharp pounding between his eyes. He turned the book to the first page.

"Technique number one, the seduction pressure point," he read aloud once more. He'd skimmed through the book before deciding to really dive into the techniques. Many of them appeared to call for the use of chakra and taught chakra control, surprising since ninja weren't supposedly to powerful during the time the book had been written, and Naruto assumed it might be possible to modify some of these techniques for use in a fight. Besides, if Jiraiya couldn't master any of them he was so going to show up his perverted sensei. He'd master these techniques and make him recognize his power. Yeah, sure they were perverted stuff but who cares if it made him a more powerful ninja ... a ninja worthy to become the next Hokage.

Jiraiya really sweat dropped when the kid went silent and became very deeply involved in reading "the book". He felt a sudden sense of absolute dread. A little over one hundred thirty miles away a big breasted blond suddenly sneezed and felt a wave of dread herself. Tsunade shook it off and continued her trek towards the Hokage Tower.

**oOOOo**

To be continued...

**Author's Notes**

Before anyone starts to argue about this turning into an "overpowered Naruto" fan fic please watch the episodes where Naruto and Sasuke fight at the Valley of the End. The explanation of The Great Burn which results in Naruto's world was inspired by both the Palladium Rifts role-playing game and Hayeo Miyazaki's classic "Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind", basically Naruto's world is a post-apocalypse world where humanity is just now starting to climb out of the second Dark Ages. It adds an interesting mystique to Naruto's world and sets the stage for a lot of interesting ideas I have planned for later. "The Book" comes from a short comedy piece I wrote for the Character Intros thread over at The Fan Fiction Forum, and before you ask no won't be a lemon but it will be a hilarious comedy with its serious moments. Basically this story assumes none of the events in the second series of Naruto takes place and replaces them with my own ideas of how it should be ... with an eechi flair. I do want to announce that I'd decided that my other eechi Ranma fan fiction "Something Hentai This Way Comes" will be a lite lemon ... basically a fan fic where sex scenes are not the main focus of the story. C & C is welcome and encouraged, but flames will be ignored because I don't encourage stupidity.


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